The 2-Year Old Pictures that Weren't

Wyatt turned two on July 11th, and I am so over the two-year old behavior, let me tell you. He got sent to his room again this morning. That's twice in three days. The first time was for biting me (among other things) and this morning it was just back-to-back-to-back temper tantrums. The straw that broke the camel's back was him repeatedly taking his automatic toothbrush and scrubbing the floor with it...and the mirrors...and then freaking out when I took it away. Ugh.

But I digress.

So the day after his birthday I had scheduled some time for his 2-year old birthday pictures at Walmart. Yes, I said Walmart. Please don't ask me what I was thinking. I knew it wasn't a good idea at the time, but I did it anyway. I could give you my rationale (unwilling to pay exhorbitant prices and no Target studio near here...) but I will save you the lengthy explanation.

Instead, I decided to give it a whirl. Well, whirl we did, but it was unsuccessful. My first clue should have been that when I showed up 5 minutes early the girl was still turning on lights and booting up the computers. Granted, I had purposely booked the first appoinment of the day, but I expected a little more professionalism than that.

My second clue should have been that she looked about 16. And not a cute 16.

Third clue? There are no doors on the studio. For a two-year old, that is a major problem.

Determined to make a go of it, we sit on Ronald McDonald for a few minutes until the 16-year old figured out how to work the cash register and photo equipment. Then she asks me which background would I like? And proceeds to recommend the fake "fall scene." You know the one - the same one that was used in my 2-year old pictures in 1980? Yeah, that one. I tell her I'm really more of a solid-color background person, and she ignores me and puts up the fake "dock by the water's edge" background circa 1982 and says, "Let's try this!"

Crap... and I forgot Wyatt's sailor's cap.

She puts Wyatt up on the big box thing and tries to tickle him with the feather. He actually humored her for about 3-4 minutes, but everytime he smiled, she just laughed at him instead of clicking the button! Then she would rearrange his hands so they were sitting on his lap, folded. Seriously? The hands? That's what you're worried about? The kid is sitting there, smiling, in your stupid posed position, with your dumb dock in the background, and you're worried about his hands? JUST SNAP THE PICTURE for Pete's sake!

Pretty soon I started saying things like, "Oh, that would have been a good one..." so she would GET A CLUE! After four minutes of this she has taken only TWO pictures. One, he wasn't even looking at the camera. The second was okay, but nothing spectacular.

Then Wyatt decided he was done. The end. He wanted down off the box.

The 16-year old says, "Oh, don't worry, I've got a few tricks up my sleeve."

Umm.... well, I sure as shoot hope so, because this kid is going to bolt.

Yep, he's gone. I have to go and retrieve him from the McDonald's next to the studio, where he's insisting on "Fries." Problem is, they don't make fries at 10:04 a.m.! I haul him back to the studio and she gets out a red ball.

Yes, my friends, a red ball. Which she proceeds to throw to him, engaging him in a game of catch.

So she plays catch with him and he is running all over chasing this ball. I have no idea on earth how she is going to get him to sit still at this point to take a picture, and apparently neither does she, because pretty soon Wyatt figures out he can throw the ball out into the store, and that is much more fun that playing catch with the 16-year old!

If this is one of the "tricks" up her sleeve, she better switch sleeves fast. Because my kid just pulled a disappearing act on her.

I haul him back in the studio and he's getting crabby at this point. I look at her point blank and say, "What now?" She is, after all, the professional here. She says, "I don't know. Usually after they get down off the box it's harder to get them to sit still."

Especially when you start throwing a ball at them!!!

I tell her, "Well, I don't know how to do this - this isn't my job. What do you usually do when this happens?"

"I just have the parents walk them around the store for awhile."

Umm.. okay... Well I was not in the mood for "walking around the store." Neither was Wyatt. So we left. Without pictures. She looked at me like I had just burst her 16-year old bubble, but I didn't care. I had seen all her tricks, and I could see where this was headed, so in an effort to avoid a full-blown temper tantrum in the middle of Walmart, we left.

Next time I'll remember the sailor's hat.