So as most of you know, this business of staying home with the kids has been a struggle for me. I blogged about this decision a while back on here, and it's on my mind constantly - should I stay home and enjoy the kids and the island while I have the chance? Or go back to work after I have the baby?
I apologize in advance if I offend someone by this entry - I certainly don't mean to... but it's an honest reflection of what I'm feeling right now. This issue is about me and me only... and not how I feel about others.
A couple weeks ago I was at the doctor's office for my 6-week post partum checkup. The doctor was young, probably right out of med school, and she seemed a bit nervous, albeit very nice and competent. She was asking me a series of standard questions, and then she asked me the one question I absolutely hate - Occupation.
"Are you just staying home?" She asked.
"Uh... yes...for right now..." was my answer.
I have been thinking about this exchange for the past two weeks. Why was there the "just" in her question? What does that mean? Why was it assumed that I was a stay at home mom? Do I somehow "look" like a SAHM (whatever one looks like as a SAHM)? And staying home is HARD! What did she mean "Just" staying home?
And my answer... why do I have such a hard time with this question? Why can't I just say "Yes" and say it as if I actually thought that was an ok thing to do with my life? I actually wanted to tell this woman - who was obviously quite educated as a doctor - "Yes, for right now, BUT I do have a career and a graduate degree!" Which obviously would have been inappropriate.
The ugly truth is that I'm not proud of being a stay at home mom. I just hate the "stereotype" of moms who stay home. As if there are no other options available to us, and therefore we must stay home. I think it bothers me so much because I assume - perhaps wrongly - that others assume that I have no education, no work experience, no life experience. And I hate that.
Honestly and truly, I admire other women who choose to stay home with their kids. It takes a lot to put your own career on hold and be content giving the best of yourself to your kids, who are so small they don't always show you the appreciation you deserve. I wish I were more giving. I wish I didn't selfishly crave time to myself. I wish I were content giving my all to my beautiful babies. But for some reason... I'm not. I'm happy, yes... but content? Not completely. I miss the "professional" me.
For right now, living in Okinawa with limited access to my career path and two small children who would need to be in full-time child care, me staying home is the best option for our family. And don't get me wrong - I love my life. I am absolutely blessed to have my amazing husband and kids, and I absolytely enjoy having time with them to explore the island and experience this adventure without the stress of work. But I am admittedly out of my comfort zone, which may be the best thing for me while making me a better person for it.
5 comments:
Good for you Megan! Putting those words in print probably helped you work through your thoughts. I know you're torn in both directions (why wouldn't you be?!?!) but I think your sentence that this is the right thing for your family right now makes great sense. You worked for so many years getting YOUR education for YOUR career and now being a mommy has taken you away from what you worked so hard to attain so that has to be frustrating. Still...I personally think you have the answer to everything right between your ears all ready!! Be a WRITER when time permits while being a mommy. You're SO good at it and it could be the answer you're looking for. Jodi Picoult has made a FORTUNE doing just this!! Take care!
i agree with the comment above mine. i don't think it is wrong to put your feelings out there either. you can be torn about something you worked hard to achieve and challenged you and forced you to use your skills/brain every day, and your love for your kids.
i remember back when i first left my job in residence life when we bought our house. while i was going to look for a job, i hadn't found anything yet and also knew that whenever we had kids, i would probably stay home. i was at my doctor's for a checkup, and she was discussing with me my "career." i told her our plans.
"Well," she said. "That's not a very good idea. You will cause great problems in your marriage because your husband will become resentful that you aren't making money - but are spending it." She continued to tell me that really, unless I had 3 kids, it didn't look good to be a stay at home mom. People didn't understand it. (needless to say, after this interaction, i decided i was switching doctors).
and when i would tell people that i was staying at home, i continued to get weird looks and questions. almost like people didn't know how to respond to a stay at home wife/mom. it doesn't make the decision any easier.
while i like to be at home, i do struggle with it at times. up until i was about 7 months pregnant, i still subbed, so at least i got out of the house a few days a week to interact with other people, and feel like i was contributing to our household needs...and doing something for me (even if i wasn't exactly moving ahead in a career). now, there are times when i go a little stir crazy and wonder how people do stay at home all the time. but i love spending time with the little one and seeing all her milestones...which i wouldn't see necessarily if i was working. so, i feel as if that is the trade off, and i'm ok with it.
i do understand where you are coming from though. maybe you can find something one day a week where you can do something solely for you that you are passionate about?
I completely identify with ALL your feelings. I go through that thought process daily. I still find myself justifying who I am when people ask..."I am a SAHM, but just 'retired' as a Labor and Delivery Nurse". Then feeling guilty, why did I have to add that last part...
Politics aside, I read and re-read the book by Dr. Laura, In Praise of Stay at Home Moms. What she has has to say is motivating and gives me that "pat on the back" that I need and don't get from my screeching 2 little kids and that I would get in a job review from my boss in the work place.
You will find your way and in the interim, I agree with Kimmero, you rock as a writer!!
There was an interesting article in the Orgeonian today about this...and while I can't understand your experience, I think it speaks to a larger, systemic view of women that we assume that "staying at home" isn't the same as "work." Sadly, the only "work" that gets valued is often the work that is attached to a paycheck from someplace. It's really unfortunate because it puts moms in this awful position of never feeling like their choice is the "right" one.
Because correspondingly, if you did go back to work, you'd just deal with those people who comment about your need to stay home.
Anyway, Craig and I both think that you're fantasic whether you stay at home or work!
OH...Someday you will look back at these stay at home years, days, whatever, and say "They were the BEST days of my LIFE" The moments you are sharing with your little ones is PRICELESS.
You will never regret it.
There still is plenty of time for you to rejoin the work world. Sooner than you think the kids will be in school.
Remember Megan, the grass isn't always greener on the other side.
And I think that "Writer" idea is great.
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