Note to Self:

Do not shop at the commissary the weekend prior to a major holiday. Ever.

I ventured out to the commissary (that’s “grocery store” to you civilians) on Saturday to grab some necessary items. Mind you, the commissary is generally packed to the gills any day, any time of the week. But this was different. This was madness. Think Black Friday madness. Which, after having done only once several years ago with my sisters-in-law, I vowed to never do again.

Had those items not been so extremely necessary, I would have turned around the minute I saw the parking lot, which sported rows of vehicles who had essentially “made up” their own parking spots in an effort to buy their birds. And had my son not been at home sleeping after spending the last 4 hours puking his guts out, I would have just went off base, but I was in a hurry.

So I buck up, brace myself, and head into the store. Problem #1: There are no grocery carts. Okay, no big deal… I go outside to check the reserve spots. None to be found. Yet there are people entering the store who have carts. ??? Then I realize… there is actually a line to receive a grocery cart. Well, not so much a line as… people standing around snatching carts from those checking out. After 5 minutes, I am unsuccessful at snatching. What is going on?? The bagger tells me they are now out of secondary carts (the carts the baggers put the bagged goods in to take to the car). So they are using the regular carts for that purpose. Thus, no carts at the cashier line.

Baffled, I return outside and spy a lonely cart off in the distance about 20 yards out and make a mad dash to it, beating out several other would-be cart snatchers. Successful in my feat, I go into the grocery store, thanking heaven that Wyatt is not with me as I notice the kid strap is broken, the wheel is falling off, and the mass of people inside.

I get in line to go down the produce aisle. Yes, I said get in line. I snag my grapes and wait patiently for people to get out of my way. Problem #2: People will not get out of my way. There is no way around them. So I stand... and wait.... patiently, of course...

Problem #3: There is no food. The shelves have large bare spots where food sat mere hours ago, but alas, I was too late for many items on my list. The staff is doing its best to re-stock, but it’s impossible with their big carts to get through the volume of people.

After waiting *patiently* through several aisles, I have written half this blog in my head and am wondering who to contact to let the commissary know that it should implement the following simple set of rules for its patrons on weekends before major holidays.

Commissary Rules for Keeping the Peace:
Dear Patrons,

1. Read the coupons booklets outside the store. How ‘bout clipping them in the car? You know, the one that’s parked in that nice little parking spot you made up for yourself because you think you are more special than me?

2. U-turns in grocery aisles are not allowed. There are two lines of traffic – one per side of the aisle. If you missed an item, back that a** up and go get it sans grocery cart.

3. Shoppers are limited to one per family. If it is essential that you bring your spouse, 4 children, and parents who are in town for said major holiday, at least keep ‘em in the car.

4. As previously stated in rule #2, there are two lines of traffic. Parking your kiddie cart in the middle of an aisle is grounds for removal and subjects you to loss of future commissary priveleges.

5. GET. OUT. OF. MY. WAY. Seriously.

As I wade my way through the last aisle at a speed equivalent to rush hour traffic on I-95, I enter the Wall O’ Items (a display of various food items that creates a “wall,” and therefore, a line to get to the cashiers). I count no fewer than 36 patrons in line, but an hour and ten minutes after entering the store, I was checking out at last! I swiped my credit card just as I realized that I had no cash to tip the baggers. Baggers at the commissary work for tips only, so of course I felt like a complete jerk and told them I would take the cart myself. Which scored me evil looks from all three baggers and several pedestrians.

Good thing I had my Starbucks.