My "Dirty" Little Secret

So I'll let you all in on my "dirty" little secret... I have a Mama San.  That's a Japanese housekeeper, FYI.  Before Christmas, my neighbor Lisa stopped by to tell me that her Mama San had an opening, and was I interested in hiring her?  Of course I said no... I would feel silly "staying home" and having a housekeeper.  But my husband, who admittedly spoils me, heard all this and decided we should hire her since he will be gone so much on training exercises and not here to help me with things, and of course with the upcoming addition to the family he thought it would be helpful.  Not to mention, Mama Sans are dirt cheap here compared to cleaning services in the States.

And that's how we ended up with a Mama San.  I admit it is taking some getting used to.  Particularly given the language barrier; although she does speak some English, there is just so much that is either lost in translation or difficult to communicate.  How do you tell someone to stop hanging up your pajamas on hangers in the closet??

Anyway.  In order for Japanese nationals to get on base, they have to have a "sponsor" to vouch for them. Long story short, I am the lucky winner who got to become Mama San's sponsor since we are newest to the island and therefore have the furthest rotation date.

So today we go to the "pass office" which she told me was at Futenma.  There are 11 bases here on Okinawa, and each base has different offices.  Camp Futenma just happens to be where Tommy works. I drop Wyatt off at Preschool and come back to pick Mama San up.  We get in the car and I ask her, "Futenma, right?" She says yes.  I start driving there. Now mind you, I am a little gun shy about driving around here since my accident.  If a Japanese national hits you, it is still your fault and you will have to pay for it.  I guess the rationale is that if we weren't here occupying their island, we wouldn't have been there for them to hit.  Bizarre, but true, and it totally freaks me out.

Okay. So I am ever-so-carefully driving and Mama San is jabbering a mile a minute about something I can't understand, and then she suddenly yells "Ayee!" and motions to the left. I hit the brakes because she scared the crap out of me and look at her like she's lost her mind.  She tells me, "Futenma, Futenma" and I try to tell her that Futenma is straight, not to the left.  She obviously disagrees but I keep driving straight. My heart rate eventually returns to only slightly elevated.

We pass Camp Foster and she yells "Ayee!" again and motions to the left.  This time it scares me so bad I actually do veer to the left and I am now very, very frustrated and not at all sure she knows what she is talking about.  I know for a fact that Camp Futenma is straight ahead. I try to explain that this is Camp Foster and try to ask AGAIN her which base she needs to go to, because I have absolutely no friggin' idea!

So there is now broken English, broken Japanese, lots of hand signaling, and very poor driving happening in this car.  To make matters worse, Mama San tells me she "knows" where the office is but has never actually driven there because she has no driver's license.  Sweet. I'm also getting stressed out because I only have another hour before I need to leave for my Japanese Language Class.  FINALLY it dawns on me that she is talking about the Village of Futenma, not CAMP Futenma.  These are two very different places, and the Eastern part of Camp Foster is actually in the town/village of Futenma.  How confusing is that! 

She directs me to Foster Gate 5, and we drive up to the gate guard. The gate guards on the Marine bases here are all Japanese (they are going away from MP's), so I greet him with an over-enthusiastic "Ohayo Guzaiymos!" and let Mama San do the talking.  All I get out of their conversation is that we are clearly in the wrong place.  At this point I am getting downright mad.  I consider Wyatt's time at preschool "my" time and I am getting annoyed that I am driving this woman, who I think at this point may be certifiably nutso, all over the stupid island.

I ask her if she knows where she is going and she says across to the other gate.  I turn around and start driving but she says she does not know how to get there.  Since I have no idea what gate she is talking about and there are like 6 of them, this is a problem.  So I just drive to the next closest gate and THANK THE GOOD MAN ABOVE that this is the correct gate!  Lo and behold, a clearly marked "Guest Pass" office is right there in front of us. Small miracles, friends, small miracles.

At this point I would pay a lot of money for someone to do one of 3 things:
1. Walk up and hand me a Starbucks grande iced 1/2 decaf latte with caramel
2. Walk up and hand me a glass of red wine.
3. Walk up and steal my Mama San. I don't want her anymore.

We "take a number" at the pass office and when we finally get called up, I hand the lady my dependent ID card and the lady asks me if I have a Power of Attorney since my husband is not present.

Mama San has no idea what this is, but I had specifically asked her if HUSBAND needed to attend and she had said no.

I wanted to choke her.

However, it was her lucky day.  Apparently I have learned enough about this place to know that I should never leave home without a POA, so I went out to the car and retrieved the one I had stuck in there earlier that morning.  All was well.

Except one thing.

Kind lady behind the desk tells me that we need to go to the hospital at Camp Lester for Mama San to be deemed physically fit and then come back to that office to get everything signed.  What???? I do not have time for this!

Seriously, people.  How do I get myself into these situations?!??!

So what do I do?  I take Mama San to the hospital.  Yes, friends, I got my Gold Star for the day.  And then I told her that I couldn't take her back to the Pass Office until next week, because I had to go to my Japanese Class, and I might hurt her if she didn't get out of my car.

Maybe I'll get lucky, and I'll be in labor next Monday.  Wouldn't that be just peachy.